Feline Rick
by HookahSocialism
Summary: Rick turns himself into a cat. No pickles were harmed.


Summer comes home sobbing.

Beth tries to comfort her.

"Awww honey whats wrong?"

"Brandon...he (sniff) he said we...we were incompatible and..."

Rick is sitting in the kitchen smoking hookah

"Summer give it like five years and this situation is gonna be reversed as well as the men STILL are gonna work harder...suck it up."

"Dad! You know I may love you dad but i'm getting really tired of you being mean to the kids. And what have I told you about smoking in the house?! Especially the kitchen?!"

"Fine ill take my hookah to the garage..."

A long time goes by and Morty comes to checkup on Rick.

"Rick yournl dinner is getting stone cold are you out here? Did you annihilate every subatomic particle you have? Did you..."

"Psst Morty! Look on the shelf! No the other shelf stupid!"

"Rick are you a..."

"Meow! Im a fucking cat Morty! How about that?!"

"I feel like...I feel like Rick you are just capitalizing on a post meme gag thats already gone colder than your dinner and it yells of desperation."

"Fuck you Morty...Im a cat and I dont give a SHIT! See this reverse anti anti-matter raygun? Blah! I just swapped that shit right on the floor! Now imma go into that box and make it my fort even though my fat ass doesnt fit in it..."

"Ok i should probably be asking why you turned into a cat...but an anti anti-matter raygun? So just...a matter gun?"

"It makes matter out of nothing Morty. Your laws of thermodynamics go straight into my liter box...meow"

"Rick why..."

"Cause Morty. Summer is probably gonna die a lonely hobgoblin bitch...its best she get used being a crazy old cat lady now. And I figure this is as good as any of a way to show her she doesnt need to have a life partner to push dopamine and oxytocin into her psyche. She can get out all her maternal insticts putting little hats on her cats and telling them not to do something even though they dont know what the hell shes talking about."

"Oh geez Rick..."

As Morty carries the cat inside Summer is crying still and sees the cat.

"Oh my God its a kitty!"

"Feline Rick!!!"

"And it talks too...grandpa musta been working on this to make me feel better. Where is Grandpa Rick anyway?"

"...Really Summer?"

As she hugs and snuggles the cat she lays it on his back.

"Who wants tummy rubs?!"

"Fuck you Summer...Morty is my favorite grandchild so he gets my tumtum virginity OH DAMN THATS A GOOD TUMMY RUB! IMMA PUUR NOW SO YOU ASSOCIATE IT WITH AFFECTIONATE AND IM MERELY USING YOU LIKE ANY CHAD WOULD"

"(Giggle) cats are so adorable!"

Later Feline Rick is on the shelf. Beth scold him

"No! Bad kitty! Get off that shelf!"

"Dont make me swipe you Beth!"

"BAD! Want me to get the spray bottle?!"

"Beth I sweat to God...you get that spray bottle and this glass plate is going right to the floor."

"Dont you swipe that dish!"

"Imma swipe it!"

"Swiper no swiping!"

"All the swiping!"

He drops the dish and it breaks.

"THAT DOES IT! THE CAT GOES OUTSIDE!"

Rick is thrown outside and throws his tail to the left and right.

"This signifies im mad! Hello? Well shit..."

Rick walks around the neighborhood and sees a dog tied to a tree.

"Your humans suck too huh dog?"

"Oh no. I love my humans and I know they love me! They feed me...sometimes. They took me to the vet once I think. Mostly I just am here...in solitary confinement...are you real?"

"Dude...just gnaw at your rope and run away."

"And get hit by a car? Maybe found by a pound and caged until three weeks pass and they euthanize me? I might be a dog but Im not stupid."

"Wow...that thats pretty deep stuff for a fucking dog."

"A long time ago the boy human gave me this flavored bone. I cherished it for two years. its burried over there but I can reach it what with this rope. I guess its safe from other dogs...but I wish I had my bone to play with. Im a good dog Rick. I dont bark at night, I clean my plate, why do they do this?"

"There...(belch!) there should be laws against this sort of thing! Oh wait there is..."

Rick bites the rope and rides on top of the dog to the city mayors office.

"You! Mayor! You (belch) you need to crackdown on animal abuse laws and make it a minimum two month prison sentence! Also uhhhh extend kennel occupance to like...six weeks."

"But the money..."

"Ok fine no prison. Just fine the shit outta people!"

Beth hears the doorbell ring and tells Summer to go anser it.

"Kitty?"

The dog has an envelope in his mouth Beth reads.

"A 500 dollar fine for leaving the cat outside too long?! BAD KITTY! Bad BAD kitty implementing lawful reforms that benefit your own personal moral system! Gonna get the spray bottle on you!"

"Do it whore! (belch) maybe they can add another hundred to your bill!"

"Rick...dont you think youve been a cat long enough? Summer is over Brandon. You know womens emotional depth is pretty shallow and...and she'll probably just cry about a new guy she cant have by next week."

"You're probably right Morty...these ear mites are not fun. Well doggo, its been fun."

"I guess my humans didnt love me...they never even went looking for me. Am I a bad dog Rick?"

"Ughhh! Nooo you are not a bad dog. People (belch) people just arent that loving. I mean they go on and on about romantic comedies, finding that special someone, and kindness and forgiveness but the fact of the matter is they only want those things selfishly for themselves. All humans are just cats but co-dependent on one another in some sick game of manipulation and shaming. You are neither a good or bad dog, you are just a dog. Don't let humans define who you are."

As Rick goes inside to turn back into a human. A few days pass. He is smoking hookah in the kitchen again and when he opens it, its the dog with the bone in his mouth wagging his tail.

Rick puts his hand out, the dog gives it to him and Rick tosses it and the dog barks happily chasing after it and brings it back to play more.

"Thats a good dog..."

Meanwhile Beth is yelling "someone took a shit in my shoe...and it looks like people shit! And is that hookah I smell?!"

"Thats what you get for sticking me out there in the summer heat you...you cunt!"


End file.
